If Envy is Green, I Feel Like the Freakin' Jolly Green Giant

Envy is not an emotion I am accustomed to feeling. I tend to be one of those people that always does what they want. No, I didn't say I always GET what I want, but I do make most of the choices necessary for me to find happiness in life. And as such, my advice for people can be kind of annoying.

Hate your job? Well, find something you love to do, and do it. Quit your job and do something differently with your life. Don't think it's that easy? Well, it can be more difficult than that, I admit, but it is still a choice. A choice you just have to make.

Hate your financial situation? Get another job. If money, for you, is more important than time, it is also a choice. So make it. Choose to take a second or third job, or choose to reprioritize what is important to you. Just because money isn't a motivator for me, doesn't mean it isn't for other people. I get that, but it is still a choice. No, we can't all be rich, but we can all be our richest.

Hate your relationship? Get out of it, or at the very least, tell your partner your unhappy. Sometimes, people just forget why they fell in love and need a reminder. Sometimes, we were never really good fits in the first place. But making the choice to be happy, is a choice.

Ya, I know there are a lot of things in life that make living your dreams difficult. But there are plenty of people out there who are living the life they want while managing the things we all use as excuses. Got kids but really want to spend some time traveling the world? Google it. I know several families traveling full-time with children (even newborns). Have a mortgage but really want to join the peace corps? Find a renter or just sell your house, it can be a lot easier than it sounds.  Life for me is full of choices, and as such, envy doesn't really fit in there, because if I want something, I generally can figure out a way to go get it.

Except one thing.

One thing that has become incredibly apparent since I've been back in Tulsa. It all started I went down to Texas for Natalie's wedding. Here is my beautiful, adventurous, former fellow ex-pat in Spain best friend who has traded in her backpack for a husband and a custom home in Shreveport. I first felt the pang of envy as I watched her bridal party walk down the aisle and I wasn't a part of it. I haven't been there for her. I haven't been a good friend. Here I am, at one of my friends who I would put in my Top 5, but I'm not in hers anymore. I suddenly became jealous of normalcy. Jealous of having a husband, a stable life, a home and a set of "always-there-for-you" (not "there-for-you-when-I'm-connected-to-wi-fi-and-can-skype-you") friends. I know Natalie loves me and considers me a really close friend. But I have let the ball drop on our friendship because I made the choice to turn in my normal life for a nomadic one.

I spent last weekend helping one of my best friends from high school move into her new house that she just built with her husband, who also happens to be one of my best friends from high school. What Stephanie and Zach have makes a lot more people than just myself envious. But for me, Stephanie was a double whammy, just like Natalie. Here is someone who I have considered one of my life-long best friends and I wasn't even THERE for her wedding because I was in Spain. I made the choice to be half-way around the world, and because of that, I missed arguably the most important day in two of my best friend's lives. And I can't get that back. With the familiarity of our friendship and the excitement I got from helping her unpack boxes upon boxes of kitchen supplies, I felt really envious.  Because what both of these women have, that I do not, is not something I can just choose to happen. It's the one thing in my life I have absolutely no control over.

Love.

Sure, I can choose to love someone. I could also choose to love someone who I know loves me. Hell, I could even choose to marry someone.  I can think of a couple of people who might allow this to all go down if I let it.

But I can't choose to fall in love. And I can't choose for someone else to fall in love with me.

No, that is a gift. Something that not all of us experience in life. And I'm not just talking about male companionship here. I'm also talking about friends. Long distance relationships, as we all know, are tough - nearly impossible. Their success rate is abysmal and the pain they put us through in the meantime can make it not worth it. Long distance friendships can be just as tough. And right now, I'm in about a dozen. Every city I live in, I have friends. I spend most of my time with these people, and in short bursts, they are my best friends. But after I leave, time for them, doesn't stand still. My friends from college aren't just sitting in Austin, waiting for me to come back and love them. My friends in LA aren't just hanging out by the beach wondering where I am. My friends from Spain haven't still been going by my house everyday wondering if I'm going to come out.

I have been blessed with such amazing friends, yet I haven't been a good long-distance partner.

So today, I'm making a pledge to change that. Because even though life has not blessed me yet with a soul mate, it has given me some of the most amazing friends I could ever ask for. And even though this long distance friendship is guaranteed not to be an easy one, I'm going to choose to make the effort.

Because envy sucks.